Third Time's a Charm: Boston or Bust

So, at first I thought saying "Yes" to running the Boston Marathon next year was going to be easy.  I received the invitation from the B.A.A., parted with yet another $325, and received my confirmation.  Post to Facebook because I thought I was excited about it.

Easy, right?

No.

It's weird what causes emotional "triggers" when it comes to traumatic events like the Boston Marathon Bombings.  I think what's hard is that I've technically "run" Boston two times, but have yet to cross the finish line.

Last year (2012) was one of those "freak weather" years.  It was over 80 degrees at the start and well over 90 at the finish - oh, complete with humidity.  The B.A.A. had offered deferrals for anyone wishing to play it safe, and not run in that heat.  After a VERY long plane ride and afternoon filled with thought and contemplation, I decided to bow out.  I had trained so hard that I didn't want to run THE Boston Marathon under not-so-Boston-Marathon conditions.  I wanted to run it knowing I was putting my best foot forward.  However, I still made the trip to Boston, might as well take part in the time honored unofficial tradition of bandit running part of the course.  I lasted less than 8 miles before I started overheating and "salting out" and by mile 15, I was more than ready to go back to the hotel.

Deferring was the best decision I could have made.

Then there was 2013.  I was excited, the weather was going to be perfect, everyone on Team Red Cross was excited on the bus ride over to the start line.  And you know what, it WAS a perfect day...

Around mile 18 to apply petroleum jelly...

accidentally in front of a co-worker

Yes, for all intents and purposes, there was no doubt I was going to cross the finish line on Boylston.  I was less than a quarter mile from the finish when we were all stopped.  However, there's nothing that will ever replace the feeling of looking up at the clock as you're crossing the finish line.  Nothing compares to the feeling you get as you realized what you just did, the butterflies you get when a volunteer places that medal around your neck, or the gravity of the situation simply for being in Boston.  It's BOSTON.  When I passed the iconic Citgo sign, I started getting teary eyed, I was going to experience all of those things...it was possibly going to be the most powerful moment of my running career.

And I was less than a quarter mile from experiencing that.

So when I registered for 2014, that's all I could think about.  And when I told the wide world of Facebook that it was going to happen in 2014, the positive/kind responses were just overwhelming.  I felt like I received 100 hugs from my tribe.

OK, stepping off the emotional wagon, and stepping into my running shoes....

Barbells, Boobs, Body Image, and Balance

Let me share some numbers with you...all PRs have been achieved this week.  All "Old PRs" are my best results from my past two years at Crossfit Pacific Coast, before starting this "Sport" programming (which I have now been doing for seven weeks).

• Front Squat (Monday)
• Old PR: 110#
• New PR: 135#
• Deadlift (Monday)
• Old PR: 160#
• New PR: 200#
• Back Squat (Wednesday)
• Old PR: 145#
• New PR: 165#
• Clean (Wedesday)
• Old PR: 83#
• New PR: 105#

When I completed the Front Squat and Deadlift on Monday, I cried.  I was so proud of myself when I hit 200lbs on my deadlift because it showed I was "getting there" - I am by far the weakest person in my lifting group, but I keep trying...and hitting 200 put me one step closer to catching up to the women who are easily pulling 245lbs.

Then on Monday evening, I made the awful mistake of going swimsuit shopping...and I came home crying.

You see, I made a decision to put running on the back burner for a few months to focus on lifting.  I knew doing so would help  me become a better runner - both physically and emotionally (especially after what I went through at the Boston Marathon).  However, I have basically gone from 60 to Zero when it comes to cardio.  I'm running less than 10 miles a week, but am lifting a LOT of weight three times a week.  

I'm not getting "fat" per se, but I am building a LOT of muscle without maintaining my previous cardio levels - so while I used to have a semi - "runner's body" I now have an "I used to run, but now I lift, and my body hasn't figured out how to deal with this" body.  And that's exactly what was looking back at me in the mirror Monday evening - a body that had no idea what it wanted to look like.  Did it want to look muscular?  Did it want to look lean?  Did it want to have beautiful curves?  Well, there were no muscles, leanness or curves to be found on Monday in that dressing room, and it sucked.  

A few hours before, big numbers brought me joy, but in that moment, I had nothing "physical" to show for it.  Someone walking by me on the beach wasn't going to think I could deadlift his ass off the ground if I wanted to, those PRs had no translation to anything outside of the gym.  They suddenly became numbers on paper.

I'm writing about this not because I'm looking for sympathy or encouraging words (I really am not seeking those), but because I found myself at a crossroads where I couldn't have it all - and for us Type A Personality Women, those realizations feel like a slap to the face.  Because my body is going through a transformation, I don't have a body I love putting a dress on, alongside a body that I love for doing awesome things.   I've noticed that my bras are feeling a little more snug than they used to, my pants are a lot tighter, and some of my dresses no longer zip all the way up.  Yes, I've put on a LOT of muscle, and a little fat in the past two months.

Now onto balance.  That's what I'm going to look for.  The balance of pushing my body to do great things while being comfortable in my own skin.  It's a journey - it always is - but it's a journey that's always worthwhile.  SO even though my boobs are bigger than I'd like them to be, and my body is confused about what shape it thinks it is, I'm giving myself credit for having a significant PR on every lift I've done this week.