- Front Squat (Monday)
- Old PR: 110#
- New PR: 135#
- Deadlift (Monday)
- Old PR: 160#
- New PR: 200#
- Back Squat (Wednesday)
- Old PR: 145#
- New PR: 165#
- Clean (Wedesday)
- Old PR: 83#
- New PR: 105#
When I completed the Front Squat and Deadlift on Monday, I cried. I was so proud of myself when I hit 200lbs on my deadlift because it showed I was "getting there" - I am by far the weakest person in my lifting group, but I keep trying...and hitting 200 put me one step closer to catching up to the women who are easily pulling 245lbs.
Then on Monday evening, I made the awful mistake of going swimsuit shopping...and I came home crying.
You see, I made a decision to put running on the back burner for a few months to focus on lifting. I knew doing so would help me become a better runner - both physically and emotionally (especially after what I went through at the Boston Marathon). However, I have basically gone from 60 to Zero when it comes to cardio. I'm running less than 10 miles a week, but am lifting a LOT of weight three times a week.
I'm not getting "fat" per se, but I am building a LOT of muscle without maintaining my previous cardio levels - so while I used to have a semi - "runner's body" I now have an "I used to run, but now I lift, and my body hasn't figured out how to deal with this" body. And that's exactly what was looking back at me in the mirror Monday evening - a body that had no idea what it wanted to look like. Did it want to look muscular? Did it want to look lean? Did it want to have beautiful curves? Well, there were no muscles, leanness or curves to be found on Monday in that dressing room, and it sucked.
A few hours before, big numbers brought me joy, but in that moment, I had nothing "physical" to show for it. Someone walking by me on the beach wasn't going to think I could deadlift his ass off the ground if I wanted to, those PRs had no translation to anything outside of the gym. They suddenly became numbers on paper.
I'm writing about this not because I'm looking for sympathy or encouraging words (I really am not seeking those), but because I found myself at a crossroads where I couldn't have it all - and for us Type A Personality Women, those realizations feel like a slap to the face. Because my body is going through a transformation, I don't have a body I love putting a dress on, alongside a body that I love for doing awesome things. I've noticed that my bras are feeling a little more snug than they used to, my pants are a lot tighter, and some of my dresses no longer zip all the way up. Yes, I've put on a LOT of muscle, and a little fat in the past two months.
Now onto balance. That's what I'm going to look for. The balance of pushing my body to do great things while being comfortable in my own skin. It's a journey - it always is - but it's a journey that's always worthwhile. SO even though my boobs are bigger than I'd like them to be, and my body is confused about what shape it thinks it is, I'm giving myself credit for having a significant PR on every lift I've done this week.
