The finish line for 2014
Today is "the anniversary" I think I've been dreading all year. And dreading even more so since I committed to returning to Boston.
I keep having two specific flashbacks. The first was a feeling of vulnerability I had when I encountered a wall of runners at Mile 25.8. As someone who spends a major portion of her working hours touting preparedness, I suddenly found myself without an ID, phone, credit card, room key or ANYTHING that would get me somewhere or identify who I was, and I was realizing that I was in a life-threatening emergency situation. I felt naked, exposed, and terrified.
The other is when we were walking back to the hotel. We decided to get as far away from the center of the city as we could, since any trash can, mail box, and container could explode... so we walked out along the water front. I looked down Dartmouth Street and saw what I think was the medical tent...as I looked down the street, I was hearing the blaring sirens of multiple ambulances flying by, helicopters overhead, and saw police all over the place. It was a moment where the world order seemed to fall apart...but I kept trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad and that the ambulances were just evacuating people from the medical tent as a precaution...not that we were witness to a terrorist attack and people were injured from the explosions my husband told me about.
I felt hollow, weak, exposed, and helpless in the weeks following the race. I cried a lot, I had frequent nightmares...I kept trying to convince myself that this was all normal - my trainings from work said this is all normal of trauma victims, and that it would go away....but why couldn't it go away faster? When would it go away? I wanted to put that date on my calendar. It was something I wanted to tell myself, "OK Kristiana, we're over this now, let's go back to our regularly scheduled life."
It just wasn't happening.
Resilience is a funny thing - the word itself conjures images of strength, determination, will....like slaying the dragon to stand on top of the mountain - showing that nothing can stand in your way if you only try. However, resilience is a very romantic concept with an ugly process to achieve it. For me, finding resilience meant a lot of emotionally difficult training runs, a race where I had an anxiety attack, and the feeling of loneliness...
Then, resilience was a run that wasn't perfect, but it was a focused one...
Then, resilience was the longer run where I could keep my pace, and keep my head clear of negative thoughts...
Resilience was cherishing my training runs instead of forcing myself through them...
And now, resilience is the plane ticket back to Boston, and the racing number that awaits me there.
Resilience is the top of the mountain - the battle to get there will leave scars, but the victory is so sweet.
Today, April 21st, and always...
